money city blues

today at lunch i walked over to dupont circle and cried for half and hour. about the election, about andrew, about my job and my life. i tried to stay above the fray in this election. kerry was not my candidate any more than any of the democrats. i irritated my liberal housemates with my reiteration of the sins of clinton (who they claim to have genuinely liked during his presidency as well as in the bush induced afterglow). but faced with four more years of bush, and the knowlege of the broad mandate given to him by half of the population, i feel overwhelmed.

and not just about the country. i am a poster child for the quarterlife crisis. four or five years ago i was a part of a movement for global justice that felt so right. i felt so genuinely a part of some larger network of radical activists who shared my values and were fighting for real change. i was a street fighting, prison loving rebel.

and here i am now feeling so isolated from all of that. i ended up in dc for god knows what reason, i have a year lease in an apartment i pay $450 a month to live in, i just lost my health insurance and i sit in an office where no one acknoleges my presence all day. i have no activist community in dc and am too depressed to reach out and find one. i am so hamstrung by the combination my fear and suspision of sectarian leftist groups/well meaning liberal ngos and my creeping hipster cynicism that i find it almost impossible to take part in any mass gathering/vigil/march/protest. i am terrified that i am already sinking into that shitty world of adult complacency. already i work a job that i'm too poor to quit to pay a rent in a city that i occupy mostly by watching tv and drinking. this is everything i never wanted to be and i can't figure a way to get out of it.